"Yes, officer, thanks for coming; you see, I just moved in to the house across the street, sir. And I went over to meet my new neighbor, just a friendly little gesture, you know, just to introduce myself and let them know we are here. And right off the bat, I felt like something was really strange. I mean, they call their house a name, sir, now what was it... poopy? oh yes, something to do with poppies, and that sort of raised a red flag for me right away, sir, if you know what I mean. And then, the woman that lives there took me around to show me what all the houses on our block looked like before they were all renovated, and honestly sir, I was truly frightened. There's this table all set up right by the front window for anyone walking by to see, and it looks like grow lights are going in. Listen, I'm all for legalizing marijuana, but I have young children, sir. Impressionable, you see. Oh she said it was for tomatoes, but you and I know the truth, don't we? And that growing table was just the beginning of the tour of horror. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the laundry room, the laundry room, sir - and saw raw meat hanging from the ceiling. Disgusting, right? I didn't care that it was covered with some sort of mesh cloth, I was freaked out, I mean, who has raw meat just hanging there? And (I have to whisper this, sir, I'm just that concerned), the meat was in the shape of a thigh. God's honest truth, officer. But it didn't stop there, oh no. Beans. Yes, beans. No, I'm not pulling your leg. All kinds of weird beans with creepy names like 'domingo rojo' and 'rio zape.' Who eats this stuff? You don't suppose they eat the beans with that thigh-shaped thing, do you? Heavens. No, I'm not done, you just keep that pad of paper out now. Write this down. Because in the garage? Let me tell you what I found in the garage. They have a refrigerator out there, and swear on my life, there were more hanging limbs in that fridge. Little hanging limbs, like baby arms? Oh, she said it was duck something or other... Prosecco? No that's not it, I know what THAT is and I could use a glass right now, I don't mind saying. Prosciutto, that's it, thanks officer. What in the world is that??? And the really upsetting thing, I mean my heart just about stopped I'm telling you, there was one huge swinging thing that looked just like a head! Something about a Tennessee Country Head! Oh officer, please, you must go and investigate. I'm ever so nervous just thinking about it. We have to live next to these people!!! God help us."
(Though I often wonder what the neighbors think of US - I know what I think of THEM! We're so lucky to have understanding (and long-suffering; please, let's be honest, I know I'm weird) folks nearby! Including our new neighbors who I know would never say any of this. :) We'll let you know when everything will be done and you can join us for pancetta (it'll be ready in two weeks!), duck prosciutto (a few months yet) or country ham (not for a year yet) - and I'll provide the beans too!)